Whisper Explaining a Marvel Movie to Your Dad in the Middle of a Marvel Movie

[Father and son, enter movie theater, carrying popcorn, soda, Twizzlers. Find seat. Settle in. Theater darkens, trailers pass; finally, the screen widens, and the familiar “Marvel Studios” logo comes into focus]

[Prologue begins, tracking a villain looking for a mysterious artifact]

DAD: “Wait… who’s that?”

YOU: “Remember dad? That’s [Marvel villain A]. You saw him at the end of [last year’s very successful Marvel movie].”

DAD: “Her? I don’t remember that. I thought it was a purple guy?”

YOU: “Dad, that’s Thanos. Just wait, they’ll explain who this person is.”

[Five minutes pass]

DAD: “What’s that thing?”

YOU: “I think it’s an Infinity Stone.”

DAD: “What?”

YOU: “An Infinity Stone.”

DAD: “What does that do?”

YOU: “Well, nothing on its own, but if someone joins all of them, they become basically a god.”

DAD: “There are more?”

YOU: “Yeah — like, in Guardians there’s one, one in Thor 2 …”

DAD: “I don’t think that’s right. There was just that sphere thing in Guardians.”

YOU: “Right but there was an Infinity Stone inside.”

DAD IN FRONT OF YOU: “SHHHHH”

DAD: “Sorry, sorry.”

[10 minutes pass]

DAD: “Wait, that stone blew up the building? I thought they didn’t do anything?”

YOU: “I don’t know — maybe they do? I’m assuming they’ll explain it.”

DAD: “This makes no sense.”

[five minutes pass, including an epic car chase]

DAD, to self: “Psh, yeah, like a motorcycle could do that.”

[an hour goes by, filled with Marvel hijinks until our hero finds herself locked in a cell and beaten up]

DAD: “OK, that totally would have killed her.”

YOU: “Dad, it’s a superhero, she’s got [powers of Marvel Hero B].”

DAD: “I don’t think that gives her a superhuman skull to take that hit. Whatever. How much longer is this?”

YOU: Sighs.

[Climax of movie sees Marvel Hero B shoot Marvel Villain A with Laser of Exciting Origin. Villain stumbles, but continues to press on.]

DAD: “Yeah, RIGHT.”

YOU, grinning like a maniac at the fact they just showed the Laser of Exciting Origin which hasn’t even been RUMORED on any site so far: “Shhhh.”

[Movie ends with exciting climax, credits begin]

DAD, stretching: “Well, I don’t really know what happened there, but I guess that was OK. Ready to go?”

YOU: “Dad, we have to stay for the mid-credits scene and the post-credits scene.”

DAD: [Silence.]

YOU: “No, seriously, I bet they’re really cool!”

DAD: “Fine.”

[Mid-credit scene plays]

YOU: “I think that was …” [You frantically grab your phone, Google “Marvel cosmic hero with blonde hair and belt”] “[Marvel hero C]!!!!!”

DAD: “Did you just look that up?”

YOU: “Maybe! I couldn’t remember!”

DAD, who loves you more than you will ever know: “OK.”

[Post-credit scene plays, end.]

YOU: “Thanks for waiting, dad!”

DAD: “No problem. I’m glad you liked it!”

SCENE